Ok. I took my time, a few days post-Ashram and I feel like the whole experience was definitely worth it. Life is full of countless contradictions, learn to take this whole process lightly and it becomes a little funnier and easier.

Day one 10/1/23

This day could’ve been a show called - Watch Me Spiral. Seriously though, it would be the name of the day if it was given one.

We can do all the things to feel at peace within. Yet we are still human. We have feelings, so when the time comes to be still again. Especially in an ashram, where you are on someone’s else schedule, hard beds, cold rooms, eating foods they cook, and choices being taken away. My rebellious side rears its head. The inner child literally wants to throw tantrums, all I can do is watch myself and be amused after a few tears finally flow out in the evening.

Our morning starts with Pranayama. It’s nice to bring these back into my practice, like anything we have seasons and mine has been my Breathwork. Coming back to Pranayama at this moment is the accompaniment to Tantra. Tantra being a mix of Breath, Mantras, Chanting, Postures, Payers, and food. Food plays a large role in any spiritual practice.

More questions pop in…

Why does my body rebel so much to being told what to do. This experience is for me. Why cloud it with unnecessary shit. It is because I need to feel in control right now?

I go with the flow - when it’s fun and my decision to do so. So, what is this then? I choose to come here. Cold. Full. And still eating. I am my own biggest self-sabotage.

We explained we are here to do the full experience, so a diet to accompany that is what we ask for. We get Aloo Parathas which are delicious yet feel wrong as its not the food for now, we’ve been told. It’s easy to get lost in the frustrations and blame others. It’s no big deal or is it? Each moment in life is a test to become happier or release more, peel back the layers of life. One more Paratha is not the end Verity.

I continue to watch and listen.

We aren’t given any Karma Yoga today, so we venture out to explore, we find another school that has Panchkarma and offers a steam massage, as I’ve put my neck out I’m keen for this. Whether it’s the travel, or the cold, it’s pinched. The body reacts so much and it’s easier, not as fun, to notice when we are being still.

Our schedule isn’t a schedule just yet, so we are a little unsure of what’s happening and when. We are quickly summoned back for a philosophy lesson.

Begins with knowing one’s self. Loving one’s self. You can only love to the degree you love yourself. Ok, I just gave you the lesson ending. So this was the beginning.

Swami Ji, our master says in short - we are not our name, how do we know what we can see, how do you know what is real, you have eyes, how can you see. How do you know? The answer. You are awake.

Explaining once you die, you are no longer your name, you are dead. You are nothing.

Every single emotion is rolling through, rather triggering as one of the greatest life accomplishments may be leaving a legacy of how you make people feel. Along with the feeling of never forgetting the ones you’ve loved and lost.

It’s why I am here to continue to learn and grow. I can sit on this.

Accompanied with news that hurts my soul, it’s not a good mix for the day.

I dislike being cold and it’s apparent I am just not built for cold weather - in these conditions anyway. Cold when I don’t have enough warm clothes or amenities. Which is another reason I guess this breathtaking cold snap, which never felt before here happened now. Lesson.

The Tantra book we are studying explains we are at total slavery to luxury and comforts, saying drugs and alcohol are not as dangerous. The book was written in 1984. I’m not sold either way right now. Would a port actually warm me up?

More pondering…

The realisation that life and love aren’t fair. When I’ve chosen love, life has ripped it away, when I’ve chosen love before and there wasn’t the willingness to heal and grow together. So like travel, the trust begins to fade away. The negative spiral growing exponentially right now. Am I not good enough for someone to want to treat me well. Is my lifetime one of pain to teach me lessons. Why do I still care and love those that have hurt me so much. Why do I love so much, love is endless. Is it love? What is love?

Laughing while this taking place – is love endless. Yes, love is also unconditional. Yes, you can love so much. You’ve experienced real love. Also, Allie is now in this world, that’s real love. Haha

I know the victim mentality serves no one, but I allow it to come through as I am cleaning and clearing. So bring it. My approach to healing can be to go hard or go home and I’m not allowed to leave here… so.

In the midst of it all, I know these thoughts won’t last, they never do. I know myself that this tough part right now will pass. But I know I must feel it all. These emotions are still there, so I feel them deeply. Why else am I here? Poor Belle as I am frustrated - we only have one heater and tell her if I die from the cold, please delete my phone notes. As it’s filled with tantrums, like the ones above.

When I first did my Dosha test, I remember him asking if I had a fiery temper. I said no. He asked what about with family or loved ones. Oh, ok yeah I do. So, I found a way to write these notes on my phone to make light of the situations with dark humour. After dinner, I tell this to Belle, that a lot is coming up for me and feeling it all heavy and hard right now. She had a giggle and didn’t think it was over the heater - which is basically a hairdryer that I am perched next to.

I then read some of my dramatic phone notes to her…

It’s more than apparent. I’m not built for the cold. I cannot focus on anything apart from being cold.

Yes, I know another distraction from actually writing or focussing on my studies. I cannot do anything else but feel cold.

My toes are frozen, I have to wait another hour in the freezing state before I can steal a heater for my room. The heater which is in fact a hair dryer. These conditions are not what I’m built for. I am a sook. But cannot fathom any other way.

Ok, new focus.

Manifest dinner.. in 40 minutes. I don’t think I can wait even that long. Ok, pork chops make sweet and head to bed then. Fuck this, I cannot stay here for 40 minutes. I don’t like ashrams. I like being able to do what I want.

The ones above about being cold and my pondering on life and love. We laugh. This isn’t how I see life, but in some moments, yes I have.

I also share one of my angry reviews from a few years ago when we were waiting for a burgers one day. I never sent this and I won’t name the shop.

Dear …

Firstly I was impressed with your easy to use App, well done.

Now here is where it gets messy and heated, not only did you not see our order, when we arrived to collect you’d already started to pack up. A pure careless approach to your business, by missing our order, we have now had to be subjected to an unhealthy fried chicken in our burger. Seriously disappointing, you are just beginning in the NT and up here it’s all about customer service, so double-check your orders before you shut up shop. The app stated it would be ready in ten minutes, it’s now been one hour and forty-five minutes.

So to say I’m unhappy would be an understatement, I am fucking fuming. How about a phone call, a refund, or even making what we ordered.

As I sit here still waiting for the burger to arrive.. I will finish this after I’ve tasted your long awaited burger. It better be insane - or I will ensure no one and I repeated no one orders from you ever again.

V.

She was cracking up at how dramatic I was being. She said when I die, she’ll turn my phone notes into a book and make millions. As long as you share all the money with my family and friends, I’m ok with it.

More pondering..

I am upset about emails I receive as they’ve hurt me a lot. I know deep down people never mean to hurt people. As hurt people hurt people. So I am trusting this is all a lesson and I’m learning more at a rapid pace. There are moments when you just want to be able to speak to people, to communicate and express your feelings. Because you know if they understood, everything could be sorted out. Yet that isn’t always the answer either. You cannot fix everything and it’s not your role.

Instead, continue to trust the unconditional love and the universal plan. We cannot rush healing, everyone is on their own life journey, or souls path.

It’s just so true we should always be compassionate as we never know when people are in their shit, going through stuff, working it out. Kindness and compassion are what is needed to share and spread. How cliche. But true.

Ok, guys. I feel this post will be the end of me. Haha, I’ll continue on.

Day two 11/1/23

New day, newwwww nah not new me.

I wake up grateful and then a sly humpf. It is still cold. Fuck, I am whinging a lot. Ok, mini Breathwork and I am good. Life is simple. We can move our thoughts, feelings, emotions, and energy through our body. But there are some days when we are hurt we must feel it otherwise we are brushing through life, numbing. And our reason for being here in this moment right now is to experience - it all.

I am feeling more excited about the Tantra journey, we drop deeper into our Pranayama this morning.

Grounding at Mulhadara, with Sukasana, rounding and rolling of the torso to the breath. Then side to side and front to back. Connecting breath to movement. Back to basics, slow down, and connect the body, breath, and mind.

We fire up the body with Bellows Breath and Shiny Skull Breathing. Activating more fire with Agni Sara and working with the Bhandas. Hello to good digestion.

There have to be seasons to feel amazing and seasons to feel average. And then can both be combined. These can happen day to day, hour to hour or months apart. There is no good or bad, I just remain curious and amused - at myself.

I laugh even harder to myself I’m not sure I’ll post this but writing is a healer for me and has always been. When Josh passed I wrote novels to him, and to writing letters to partners and never sending them, forgiveness letters and not sending them. Writing is a healer and it can be just for yourself. It is a private journey. And should only ever be your choice whether to share it or not. It’s why no one should ever read someone’s phone or notes without permission. These are written in times just for you. And not necessarily how you feel rationally. Our reactions are not always what we desire to share as these can be growth moments. Our responses are what we wish to share. Sometimes they need a reread!

As we wait for our Karma Yoga to be given, I think it’s time for some yoga or booty workouts. Enough of being in my mind. There are many ways to clear your energy, mentally and physically. Sometimes it’s putting headphones in and turning up super loud dance music and flowing with your own body.

Yoga has 8 limbs for a reason, so we can work through it all.

Yama (moral discipline)
Niyama (observances)
Asana (physical postures)
Pranayama (breathing techniques)
Pratyahara (sense withdrawal)
Dharana (concentration)
Dhyana (absorption or meditation)
Samadhi (enlightenment or bliss)

There is not one right way or procession that’s correct. It’s your journey, so keep trusting your inner voice, the goal is to get to a state where you can truly listen. Be still, calm, and content, and listen to yourself.

Our philosophy lesson is on how we wish to learn - like a monkey, where it’s clinging to its mum, stuck in the head, knowing what it wants. Or a cat, no one ever sees them mate, or feed, they are such mysterious creatures. They may cuddle up to you or scratch your face. Always a mystery.

We get to choose if we wish to be a client - someone who collects certificates and posts. A student - someone who learns and integrates and will eventually teach or a disciple where you learn from the base up and only progressing when you are told. This would mean minimum a year in an Ashram with a master. I choose the second option. I love learning, I’ve studied at lot. I wouldn’t say I retain all the information all of the time. I continue to believe I remember what I need at the time. It all comes back at some point.

We are here to learn from Swami Ji, the Pranayama and Asana teachers as much as I’ve been learning this entire India trip. Life / Travel / Travelling India is one big lesson. Listen, learn, understand, and take what resonates with you.

My culture isn’t so much of a culture, like they have here. I was never baptised or christened, and I am happy about this. I did at one point get stuck in Religious Education as mum thought it would be good for me to learn. I sneakily, not so, wrote it on my hand stood up in front of the class, and read out my prayer. Only to be told that is one everyone should know. Won’t ever forget that one now. But in all honesty, I’ve loved learning about cultures, my own, Australia’s, Indonesia’s, and India’s. It’s fascinating and heartwarming to pour so much love and belief in.

I am booked in for a shirdona massage and steam. Hello warmth. Who would’ve thought this would be my constant focus. I guess I wasn’t expecting these temperatures. I am getting better. The massage is amazing, she is like a big Mumma hug. Keeping me warm and covering and tucking me in. She is hilarious also.

Our Asana practice is Hatha Yoga, postures that are opening up and allowing us to connect deeper with each chakra. Today’s is Swadisthana.

Another testing night, I undress to get ready to shower, I’d waited 45 minutes for the hot water to kick in and turned on the hot water… no water. I redress, and stroll down with my heater. Announcing to Belle. The lessons are coming in thick and fast. She thinks I’m so dramatic. I am right now. I am not upset, just need to find solutions. Swami Ji instructs me to run all the taps as there is air in the lines. Well, I’ve now become the local plumber.

Dinner is served, Aloo Palak, a spinach and potato dish. Ok real shower time, I set up my heater, get ready. The heater stops working. Not to waste hot water I am quick in the shower and race to my room. Dress and then sneak downstairs to raid the heater stash as now I know where they all are. Swami explained many people have died while using these heaters, they leave them on all night and there is no oxygen in the rooms. OK - I survived the first two nights. And this new heater I have looks a little older and smells funny. I obey the rules and turn it on only for a few hours to heat my room. Imagine if this was my end… in an Ashram with a hair dryer heater.

I started writing my eulogy last night. Nana Drams over here. No, it’s an exercise in one of my courses. I believe death needs to be spoken of more and something we aren’t afraid of. That way when someone experiences a loss people are more equipped to assist them. I remember when Josh passed people didn’t know what to say to me or how to react, so they would put their heads down and pretend not to see me. Felt like I’d contracted leprosy along with loss. I never blamed them; you don’t think about it until it happens to you. The other side is when people come to you and get upset themselves, so your role becomes more about comforting them. I just believe more awareness will help everyone, it’s not a taboo topic. We are all going to die. So relax.

I don’t want to die right now, however, writing this will give me more inspiration of how I wish to live my life now. How I wish to be remembered. Two people I loved who passed have left the greatest legacies. Both absolute legends. So, the bar is set high.

x

Day three 12/1/23

The dates written right now are cool. Forever a numbers and Moon girl.

4:30am wake ups - to turn the heater on. I am relentless I know. While here I am having massages and doing all the Panchakarma I can. Balance my dosas and get warm, with massages that come with steam chambers.

I stay in bed until 6:45am, this is just cracking me up I normally get up so early. I do a meditation in bed under the covers.

Pranayama today is straight into it. Bhastrika, Kapalabhati, Agni Sara with retention. A lot of fire breath to warm the body and belly. Focus is on our Manipura chakra. We are on the Kundalini path. Bring on the heat.

Today I am fasting as rice is served for breakfast, I have my lemon ginger tea and am happy. My belly needs a rest, so I am happy for this. Also. Enlightenment!

Booty bands workout, day 3 in a row now. Mostly as - it’s keeping me warm. We venture out for a walk for an ABC juice, my body is singing. Fresh juice.

Today I am putting more focus on gratitude, I write in my journal

I am grateful:

⁃ To be alive

⁃ Fresh juice

⁃ To be healthy

⁃ Sunshine today

⁃ Here in this moment, in Rishikesh studying from Masters and Gurus

⁃ For heaters

⁃ A bed

⁃ Chai tea with coconut milk

⁃ Steam chambers

⁃ Massages

⁃ Pictures and videos of Allie

⁃ Allie

⁃ To be an Aunty haha ok she knows, you know, we all know I love her.

Gratitude really is the answer to it all.

Philosophy lesson - There is a big focus on Eastern and Western ways of learning and teaching. I will forever be a student, so I take no offence to the teachers saying ‘How can you learn yoga in 200 hours or Kundalini in 21 hours?’

In all things we learn from a teacher or a master, we learn to walk, to eat from our parents. We learn to read or write from our teachers, we spend 18 years in education system, yet if I told you I was going to live in an ashram for a year in solitude, you’d all think I had lost the plot. I don’t think I could do it either, but never say never!

The more I delve into my chakras/blockages the funnier I think I am. So here we are. Healing I have always said, doesn’t need to be painful. It’s generally not super fun or easy, but it can definitely be amusing. It’s how I’ve gotten through majority of my big life milestones.

Swami continues we are probably not going to reach enlightenment in 7 days, so rather than teach you all the text book stuff our lessons are a whirlwind of knowledge from him. Which I am enjoying a lot. Today’s lesson felt like it was directed at me…

The beginnings of Kundalini we feel uncomfortable, get annoyed or frustrated easily. This is what’s meant to happen - think of it as a washing machine.

We put the powder, the water, and electricity. It whirls around (like chakras do) and cleanses out the mess. We are still left with mucky water, so this process takes time. Little does he know… I’ve been ‘cleaning’ for a while now. Alas it confirms my amusing curiosity. The key is to become the watcher.

I find this can come naturally to some when large events take place in one’s life to turn the switch. In moments of trauma or shock, your body instantly becomes a watcher. I don’t wish this for everyone clearly.

One way is when someone is mad or angry, rather than retaliating, learning to observe is the key. It is generally not about you. We always see a reflection of ourselves in others and that is the trigger. It’s why relationships are the biggest mirror and our biggest work.

Asana Practice - I prefer to do asana in the am. Again, more processes or obstacles for me, my mind, and body to overcome. I love the teachings.

Today, I feel I am winning as on our walk this afternoon; I purchased cashews and a hot water bottle. It is smaller than my hand but I’m grateful and positive in all its juicy, steamy, hot, benefits.

Literally, I am becoming delusional.

xx

Day four 13/1/23

I am laughing at myself even more now. I couldn’t sleep as I was so excited - to not feel so off, the haze has shifted. I didn’t sleep until midnight, so many meditations put on trying to stay in my zone of feeling it all.

Today feels lighter. And the sun is out!

In these courses so much comes up for me. Some days conflict with what I believe, or I’ve learnt in previous courses, to their teachings to what I’ve experienced and lived in my daily life.

Our philosophy lesson is all about the ancient ways and opening of Kundalini to nutrition. Which is actually a major part of this journey. Slightly relieved as maybe all my years of hectic food study and diet trials were for a reason. But in all honesty, it’s what I love learning about. I’ve studied doshas, done cleanses, and eaten to my dosha type. Like anything we learn it comes and goes in seasons. I am human.

To open the chakras in this modern-day life without moving to an ashram for a year… the answer is simple yet seems to be the hardest for us humans. Generally, the more simple it is the harder we make it.

Nutrition, he speaks a lot about being vegan and choices as to what we eat these days. Making a joke, why do we eat so much chicken… We kill what ‘wakes us up’. We eat chickens, they wake us up the earliest!

Basically, it’s going back to basics - eating healthy. Natural organic foods. I know we al know this.

Watching oneself in how you react or respond to teachings is fun. - Rebel without a cause.

We are each living the awakening to the Kundalini if we choose to do so. Its self-love, putting yourself first. Your health, your nutrition, your energetic boundaries, your sexual energy, who you allow into your life.

Still, we must prioritise time for play, to nourish the body and the soul. Make life fun get, your shit done.

Our bodies will continue to adjust to our Surroundings. Yet we worry we are offending others, like needing to eat the way the ashram said. They served me Aloo Paratha again today; I ate half of one. Knowing full well yesterday I fasted until 1pm and felt amazing. So again, tomorrow I try again. New beginnings each day to improve. A small setback, is just a reminder of where you’re at and where you wish to go.

Today I feel full and bloated after lunch and breakfast. When I hit this phase, I tend to eat more. Such a strange self-sabotage form. And proof that when you stay healthy it’s easier to continue on that path.

Heart-opening asana practice leaves me in Savasana in tears, sweet little releases. I’d had the moment in my meditation in the tomb which looked more like a temple. I haven’t lost the plot entirely. Where I knew my heart needed a release and hear it is. Vowing to feel it all, express it all, share, and dance a little more. Opening the heart once again for love.

Grateful for Belle and smiles today.

xx

Day five 14/1/23

Loving feeling lighter this morning, all the processing is happening.

Humans are the only ones who have a choice. Have privilege. Which perhaps causes us so much misalignment as then we have the option and time to compare. Or when choice is taken away, our minds become turmoil.

Sayers and Prayers. Be careful what you say and what you pray for. It will all happen at some point, so be specific about what you say and what you manifest.

Tapping into our animal qualities/desires, we discuss:

⁃ Food

⁃ Sleep

⁃ Fear

⁃ Sex

We are the only ones who dress to be ‘sexy’. This can be a little confronting again, skip ahead if you need. And who defined ‘sexy’? The media. Being beautiful is a healthy innate desire. This allows you to be beautiful and sexy.

Sexy is dressing for approval or acceptance which allows you to live in a space of needing validation constantly. Walking down the street and people’s heads turn to look at you. Encouraging attention and it’s not necessarily healthy attention. As intercourse isn’t the only sexual connection. There is sexual energy. So, if you interact with someone even on an energetic level, you exchange energy, which intertwines with all their energy and the other people’s energy they’ve encountered in their lifetime. It is like a mass energy rape. I don’t use the word lighting.

It’s just saying to be aware of the sexual partners you choose. And be honest with your internal dialogue with beauty and being sexy, just be curious and kind with yourself. Remember the past is the past. The more you learn the better decisions you can make. Such an interesting way to view, massive lessons and reflections today, thanks Swami Ji for always bringing the goods. So much focus these days is on external appearance and if we all just gave that away and worked on the internal - the whole world would be beautiful.

We discuss the way we speak not only internally but externally. Are all the words we use necessary?

The task is to record ourselves speaking for an entire day. Play it back in one month. See how much ‘shit’ we talk! And if it’s positive or negative. Is it helpful or a waste of energy? Take the time to notice how you speak and this will give you an indication of how great a listener you truly are. We all think we listen to others.

I remember my mum listening to my sister and I chat as were were getting ready to go out years ago. Mum laughed, saying, you’re not even answering each other or listening to what the other is saying. Hilarious.

Feeling especially privileged this evening. I’d jumped out of the shower Guru Ji pops upstairs and announces Swami J is doing his ceremony to welcome the sunny season. This is a celebration I am into. The sun. It is their New Year and it’s an auspicious time, 7:45pm to be exact. They are checking via an app, modern times. Perhaps there is a monk app.

The ceremony is called Makara Raashi.

‘Makara’ means ‘Capricorn’. The movement of the sun into ‘Makara Raashi’ or the ‘zodiac of Capricorn’ is called Makar Sankranti.

This festival marks the end of the long, cold, winter months and the onset of spring. In ancient times, it was the time when the shift of the sun resulted in longer days. So, it is a celebration of the change of seasons - from a harsher to a milder climate. A sign of hope and positivity.
This festival is celebrated in honor of Surya (the Sun God) to pay tribute for the grace of his energy that has enabled life and food on earth.
As it is the harvest festival, it is a time of joy, abundance, and celebration in the farming communities, the time when they reap the fruits of their hard labor.
It is also a time for peace when families bury the hatchet and get together.

We collect all the items, some of which are Ghee, statues, flowers, food as offerings, fruit, and camphor.

There is a fire pit in the temple, Swami Ji prepares, and we sit around him. Guru Ji places the blessing on our foreheads and Swami Ji hands out flowers this is where we all get to create our own Sankalpa. In our heads we are to repeat our family name, birthday and place and what we wish to release or how we wish to level up.

I didn’t know how much there were all into numerology, I love it. It’s how all decisions are made over here. Even to find our confirm your partner or a marriage.

Placing our Sankalpa offerings back, Swami puts them into the fire with blessings. He begins repeating his mantras, it’s fast. Each mantra and then he ladels Ghee as an offering into the fire. I am mesmerised by the entire process. Each time he says Svaha, which translates to – ‘well said’ or ‘so be it’ Considered a blessing, a release or an expression of ecstasy. We each place, with our right hand a special mixture of herbs into the fire pit.

To be a part of this ceremony and coming at the exact right timing to release for me.

Releasing a lot, sending love and healing to others. I list everyone I can think of and more. Plus abundance all the new exciting things my future holds in love, health, business, people, connections and experiences. No holding back here.

The ceremony ends, we enjoy a special cookie and are dismissed to bed.

xx

Day six 15/1/23

Woke up excited, life is the best. Funny and fascinating. So many unanswered questions and so many answers at the same time.

Guru Ji, took us through the end of our Pranayama this morning. Which was a new intensity and messy level. Clear the sinuses. Raise your energy.

Breakfast is a polenta dish which looks amazing, yet I’d committed to fasting. Feeling a little bad as they’d cooked for me. I’m excited to eat it so I pack it up and have it for lunch. It is delicious - polenta is going to be a new staple for me - now I know knew ways to cook with it.

The sun is out today which means Guru Ji will begin his Sadhana, a discipline or training which an individual sets to attain Samadhi. Usually, the monk sets himself and allows space to meditate.

His involves sitting in the center of four fire pits and remaining there from the rise to sunset – in silence. This continues for 3-6 months. The dedication is unreal.

We are again welcomed into the ceremony as it begins the initial fire is set by another monk. All our teachers are here, another extremely special moment. Plus more blessings, we are able to make for you all and ourselves. We are invited to walk around the fire, pacing herbs into each pit.

Philosophy lessons always hit the nail on the head. Today’s is..

Respectful awareness. This hits home, we can be frustrated at people and not understand why they do what they do. Especially when it’s something you could never imagine yourself doing. Treat others how you wish to be treated. For me repeated lessons only occur when we haven’t addressed them correctly. When we haven’t spoken up - as something or someone has hurt or upset you. It doesn’t need to be a horrible conversation, as we can forgive people, it’s their life their karma. We can however make them consciously aware.

It is about understanding we all make mistakes and certainly no one is perfect, we do not judge their actions. Just as they should not judge ours. It’s having an understanding; it always brings me back to people do the best they know how at the time. Frankly, we are all too busy with our own Karmic cycle and understanding that to be worried about everyone else’s. So instead, develop awareness and respect that they are going through theirs. Your journey is about understanding yourself, why things trigger you, how you can learn and listen from your own emotions and sensations. Look in the mirror, its where all the answers lay.

There are two ways to change – Cognitive and … I forgot to finish the sentence in my notes. I’ll get back to you on this one.

We visit an Ayurveda doctor in our break, she confirms my pitta dosha, gives me a list of suitable foods and some natural remedies to assist with my sinuses and scoliosis. I’m aware that medicine won’t correct my spine, this is just softening the bones and the yoga, Chiro and stretches with help with the rest.

Swami Ji and I chat about healing people and the karmas and affects it has on the people and the world and us. How to nurture students even more, the dedication and endless love for people you encounter in your life. Honestly, I love our chats. You’ll get to hear about his fascinating life as now he’s off filming to create his own Netflix series. He has been with 317 people as they pass over to die, studied countless degrees. I won’t spoil all the details about his healings and his life’s work you’ll have to watch the show and read his book. It is incredibly breath taking though.

We discuss how long souls stay with us once they’ve passed. I am curious as it’s now been almost 10 years since Josh passed and I explain when I travel, I feel him a lot, protecting me. Whether that’s a comforting place when I’m anxious or not. Swami explains and refers to Kung Fun Panda. Great movies! There are no coincidences, if I think he’s there he is.

Souls need to continue their own journey, which includes Josh. I did a cord-cutting ritual a few months ago to release the bungee rope I kept clinging to when things are going well for me, I level up and then it’s like I freak out or think I don’t deserve happiness. Whatever the thought process is, it has held me back. His advice is to speak to him - I feel your presence Joshy (Swami doesn’t say this) I love you being around, yet it’s time to go. Continue your journey, so we can meet again soon.

The words hit pretty hard, as I’ve never said them before. Ten years on and the unconditional love is there yet I’ve learnt and grown so much. I am ok to say these words. I think.. when the time comes up. I’ll let you know.

Tonight, is our last night here and the end of the course. Well, I’d actually call it more of an experience. To reflect back, I’m excited as to where the last 10 years have landed me. I’ve grown more internally than ever expected, retained a lot more knowledge than I give myself credit for. Love the way I can always laugh at myself and my openness to share. It’s the way I’ve learnt – through study and listening to others experiences, the world needs it. So, we don’t feel so alone. To know that everyone experiences the same fears. Not being good enough, fear of being alone or not being accepted. We are all here to learn, so make all the mistakes, heal and from them. Find your soul tribe, speak your truth, slow down and enjoy each and every moment – laugh through the ones you aren’t enjoying so much, dark humour has its place. And when you find the happiness and content moments. Embrace.

I’ve shared bits and pieces from my week - it was intense. Feel free to ask me any questions, or to laugh with or at me.

I also don’t believe this is for everyone – it was not a holiday.